This July marks seven years since my husband and I found out we were pregnant for the first time. What should have been an exciting event in our lives turned out to be the hardest thing we've experienced.
I was 20 weeks along that November and it was finally time to find out if we were going to have a boy or a girl. Unfortunately, our baby was shy and we were left wondering. Not only that, but our doctor observed some developmental concerns that also left us feeling anxious and confused. The biggest concern was regarding our baby's heart, so we visited a local specialist to take a closer look.
The specialist identified several major problems: our baby's heart had a hole in it, one kidney wasn't functioning properly, and one hand appeared to be unusable, to name just a few. On top of everything, my amniotic fluid was abnormally low, leaving the baby with very little room to move. We began praying for miracles!
We visited a fetal cardiologist in Dallas that January after carrying all of this heartbreaking news through the holidays. After yet another intense sonogram, our doctor confirmed all of the findings of our previous sonograms. Every time we visited a doctor we received worse news! We also learned--finally--that we were expecting a boy.
The morning before this sonogram I read Isaiah 43:2: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you."
As I was lying on the table receiving the news that my boy would need both a heart transplant and a kidney transplant immediately after delivery, I stared at the light on the ceiling pleading silently to my Father in Heaven! All I heard over and over was, "You shall not be burned, You shall not be burned!"
Our doctor in Dallas explained that our boy's critical condition would require extensive planning for delivery. So, in order to learn more about his condition, my amniotic fluid was tested. One week later our doctor called and told us that our baby boy had Trisomy 13, a genetic "lightning strike" that occurs about one time in every 12,000 babies. He told us that our boy would probably not make it to term, and that if he did he would not be a candidate for transplant. As a result, he would most likely only live for a few minutes out of the womb. Confused and heartbroken, we continued to pray and ask for healing.
One month later, at the end of my eighth month of pregnancy, our little boy, Ethan, stopped moving. His heart had stopped working. We checked into the hospital on a Monday night and Ethan was born at 11:36 am on Wednesday March 4, 2009. Our baby boy was in Heaven. Our parents and siblings were with us to hold him for a few precious minutes and say goodbye. Instead of leaving the hospital with a brand new bundle of joy, we left with a box of discharge papers. It was the most surreal moment I've ever experienced. I couldn't believe we had just said goodbye to our firstborn!
For the next two or three months I wrestled with God. I knew I wanted to be with Him and confused, rather than without Him and completely lost. I knew He would be my Rock, but all I wanted was to tell my Rock that I felt robbed and forsaken. Where was He and why didn't He reach into my womb to fix the broken pieces when I knew He was able? All I ever wanted was to be a mom and now I didn't know if that would ever happen. The future was unknown and the present was too painful. I didn't want to go in public because I didn't want to see other babies or run into someone and not know what to say. For some reason I had the feelings of shame and embarrassment. I just wanted to hide. I'm an outgoing person so that was definitely not my typical personality.
I counseled with a lady I've known for a long time who had lost her adult daughter about ten years prior. One thing she said that helped me break free from despair was this: "Even if I knew why my daughter died, I'd still have a good reason why she shouldn't have." That really spoke to me and allowed me to let go of the, "why God, why" that was screaming inside me. I began to get up every morning and say, "Lord, I don't understand, but I trust You." The more I said it, the more I actually began to believe it. I started reading my Bible again. My heart was mending. It was still a roller coaster of emotions week by week but it continued to get better.
A few months later, after an outpouring of love and support from our family and friends--our lifeline--we were ready to try again. The July after Ethan was born I was pregnant. I had to battle for my thoughts and trust the Lord with this new baby, but my husband and I both knew that holding our own healthy child would be a kind of capstone to our healing process. We soon found out that we would be having a healthy baby girl! Every sonogram we had was encouraging and full of abundant good news. Our Dani was born in April and she came out squawking and bright eyed! Our same family and friends that mourned with us a year earlier were at the hospital to celebrate Dani's arrival as an answer to prayer.
We had another healthy baby girl in 2013. Her name is Adelin. Both of our girls are delightful and answers to many prayers. When I look at my Dani, I am reminded of God's faithfulness. When I look at my Adelin, I am reminded of the Lord's sweetness and love for me. Dani is the answer to my prayer of being a parent, while Adelin is the extra cherry on top to my prayer for a full family. With each year that passed since Ethan's birth, and especially with the birth of our precious girls, we have climbed out of the valley that we were in.
It took almost six years for us to reach a point where we were ready to release Ethan's ashes, which we did last year at one of our favorite mountain creeks. We love the mountains, and it seemed appropriate to say goodbye on top of a mountain when for so long we weren't sure if we'd make it to the top again.
This lesson of trusting our Heavenly Father was absolutely invaluable and has improved every area of our lives. We still experience worry from time to time, of course, but we are much quicker to trust Him because of how He helped us through this experience. We understand what it means to have supernatural peace regardless of what's happening around us. We know and believe with all our hearts that no matter what comes in our lives, God has our best interests at heart. Although we may not understand in the midst of trial, we "count it all joy" to make it to the next mountain top.
James 1:2-3
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
Psalm 126:5
Those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy.
I was 20 weeks along that November and it was finally time to find out if we were going to have a boy or a girl. Unfortunately, our baby was shy and we were left wondering. Not only that, but our doctor observed some developmental concerns that also left us feeling anxious and confused. The biggest concern was regarding our baby's heart, so we visited a local specialist to take a closer look.
The specialist identified several major problems: our baby's heart had a hole in it, one kidney wasn't functioning properly, and one hand appeared to be unusable, to name just a few. On top of everything, my amniotic fluid was abnormally low, leaving the baby with very little room to move. We began praying for miracles!
We visited a fetal cardiologist in Dallas that January after carrying all of this heartbreaking news through the holidays. After yet another intense sonogram, our doctor confirmed all of the findings of our previous sonograms. Every time we visited a doctor we received worse news! We also learned--finally--that we were expecting a boy.
The morning before this sonogram I read Isaiah 43:2: "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you."
As I was lying on the table receiving the news that my boy would need both a heart transplant and a kidney transplant immediately after delivery, I stared at the light on the ceiling pleading silently to my Father in Heaven! All I heard over and over was, "You shall not be burned, You shall not be burned!"
Our doctor in Dallas explained that our boy's critical condition would require extensive planning for delivery. So, in order to learn more about his condition, my amniotic fluid was tested. One week later our doctor called and told us that our baby boy had Trisomy 13, a genetic "lightning strike" that occurs about one time in every 12,000 babies. He told us that our boy would probably not make it to term, and that if he did he would not be a candidate for transplant. As a result, he would most likely only live for a few minutes out of the womb. Confused and heartbroken, we continued to pray and ask for healing.
One month later, at the end of my eighth month of pregnancy, our little boy, Ethan, stopped moving. His heart had stopped working. We checked into the hospital on a Monday night and Ethan was born at 11:36 am on Wednesday March 4, 2009. Our baby boy was in Heaven. Our parents and siblings were with us to hold him for a few precious minutes and say goodbye. Instead of leaving the hospital with a brand new bundle of joy, we left with a box of discharge papers. It was the most surreal moment I've ever experienced. I couldn't believe we had just said goodbye to our firstborn!
For the next two or three months I wrestled with God. I knew I wanted to be with Him and confused, rather than without Him and completely lost. I knew He would be my Rock, but all I wanted was to tell my Rock that I felt robbed and forsaken. Where was He and why didn't He reach into my womb to fix the broken pieces when I knew He was able? All I ever wanted was to be a mom and now I didn't know if that would ever happen. The future was unknown and the present was too painful. I didn't want to go in public because I didn't want to see other babies or run into someone and not know what to say. For some reason I had the feelings of shame and embarrassment. I just wanted to hide. I'm an outgoing person so that was definitely not my typical personality.
I counseled with a lady I've known for a long time who had lost her adult daughter about ten years prior. One thing she said that helped me break free from despair was this: "Even if I knew why my daughter died, I'd still have a good reason why she shouldn't have." That really spoke to me and allowed me to let go of the, "why God, why" that was screaming inside me. I began to get up every morning and say, "Lord, I don't understand, but I trust You." The more I said it, the more I actually began to believe it. I started reading my Bible again. My heart was mending. It was still a roller coaster of emotions week by week but it continued to get better.
A few months later, after an outpouring of love and support from our family and friends--our lifeline--we were ready to try again. The July after Ethan was born I was pregnant. I had to battle for my thoughts and trust the Lord with this new baby, but my husband and I both knew that holding our own healthy child would be a kind of capstone to our healing process. We soon found out that we would be having a healthy baby girl! Every sonogram we had was encouraging and full of abundant good news. Our Dani was born in April and she came out squawking and bright eyed! Our same family and friends that mourned with us a year earlier were at the hospital to celebrate Dani's arrival as an answer to prayer.
We had another healthy baby girl in 2013. Her name is Adelin. Both of our girls are delightful and answers to many prayers. When I look at my Dani, I am reminded of God's faithfulness. When I look at my Adelin, I am reminded of the Lord's sweetness and love for me. Dani is the answer to my prayer of being a parent, while Adelin is the extra cherry on top to my prayer for a full family. With each year that passed since Ethan's birth, and especially with the birth of our precious girls, we have climbed out of the valley that we were in.
It took almost six years for us to reach a point where we were ready to release Ethan's ashes, which we did last year at one of our favorite mountain creeks. We love the mountains, and it seemed appropriate to say goodbye on top of a mountain when for so long we weren't sure if we'd make it to the top again.
This lesson of trusting our Heavenly Father was absolutely invaluable and has improved every area of our lives. We still experience worry from time to time, of course, but we are much quicker to trust Him because of how He helped us through this experience. We understand what it means to have supernatural peace regardless of what's happening around us. We know and believe with all our hearts that no matter what comes in our lives, God has our best interests at heart. Although we may not understand in the midst of trial, we "count it all joy" to make it to the next mountain top.
James 1:2-3
My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
Psalm 126:5
Those who sow in tears will reap in songs of joy.